If you have read my book Building Good Teammates, you are aware of my love/hate relationship with youth sports.
In many, many, many ways they are the home to everything that is pure and wholesome about the sports world. They are where aspiring athletes learn the fundamentals and get to experience the joys of being part of a team.
Unfortunately, they are also the birthplace of some of the worst elements of sports.
Recently, I was walking in a park and came across a field where dozens of kids were participating in a youth football game. I stood and watched for a few minutes when I happened to overhear a conversation between a pair of angry parents.
I found the topic of their conversation to be unsettling.
The mother was upset with the coach because her son wasn’t getting enough playing time at the “good” positions.
As the game ended and she began folding up her chair, she laid out her rationale for allowing her son to quit (Life is short, you are only a kid once, there are other things to do, etc.). From what I could ascertain, her son had been growing increasingly frustrated and had consequently been asking for her permission to quit the team.
His mother said that after the way that day’s game went she was going to let him quit.
The other parent responded, “I don’t blame you at all.”
From years of sitting in bleachers, recruiting, scouting, and just watching games as an emotionally-detached observer, I can state with sincerity that wasn’t the first time I have overheard a conversation of that nature. Yet every time I hear it, I cringe.
Unlike the other parent, I do blame you for allowing your child to quit. Let me clarify…
I don’t blame you as a parent for feeling frustrated. You may be right. Your child might not be getting a fair opportunity.
Coaches are human and subject to succumbing to the entire gamut of human emotions and faults.
For a variety of reasons, coaches can sometimes become enamored with certain players, and that can cause them to overlook the value of the other players on the team, including your child. The coach might be playing favorites—intentionally or unintentionally.
You might also be wrong.
As parents, we only get to see a small portion of our child’s involvement with the team—the tip of the proverbial iceberg, if you will. We aren’t always privy to what and how our child is doing in practices. Coaches interact with players far more frequently in practices than they do in the games.
Players establish dependability and typically attain the coach’s trust based on how they perform in practices. Your child may not have been successful at doing those things in that setting.
Being right or wrong, justified or unjustified, in your frustrations has nothing to do with why you as a parent are to blame.
You are to blame because all of the bad that will inevitably come from giving your child permission to quit mid-season will be your fault. You will have planted a seed in him or her that says when things get tough, when things are frustrating, and when conditions are less than ideal, it’s OK to just quit.
Life can be tough. Life can be frustrating. And the conditions in life are rarely ideal.
Sports are an opportunity to teach life and to prepare kids for what life may have in store for them.
The “wanting to quit” situation can be a teachable moment. The problem is that too many parents miss out on this opportunity because they are sidetracked by their own emotional connection to the situation.
For the teachable moment to work, there has to be a shift in the parents’ perspective. Instead of focusing on your child’s stats, role, playing time, or even the score, you should focus on your child’s resiliency.
Let your child know how proud you are of their determination and commitment. Let them know how much you respect their willingness to stick with something that is challenging for them.
When their games are over, don’t talk about the outcome or their involvement in the game. Just tell them that you enjoyed coming to their game.
Taking this approach will pay dividends beyond your wildest dreams. It will set your child up for success in life. And if you’re lucky enough, your shift in approach might just teach to your child to be a good teammate.
The amount of points they score, tackles they make, or goals they stop won’t play a role in the level of happiness they find in their adult life. But learning to be a good teammate most certainly will.
Don’t let ‘em quit.
As always, remember: Good teammates care. Good teammates share. Good teammates listen. Go be a good teammate.
