Two sisters were going to be late for soccer practice because the older sister wasn’t ready to leave on time. As their mother drove them to the field, the younger sister looked out the car window and said, “Practice is starting now.”
Her comment ignited a heated fight between the siblings. The girls’ mother asked the younger sister, “Why would you say that?”
The younger sister replied, “I was just trying to inform her of the facts.”
No. No, she wasn’t. She was trying to inflame her.
Two brothers were riding home from a basketball tournament where the older brother had just been named to the all-tournament team. Holding his trophy, the older brother turned to the younger brother and said, “You could earn a trophy too, if you were a better shooter and played harder.”
His comment ignited a heated fight between the siblings. The boys’ father asked the older brother, “Why would you say that?”
The older brother replied, “I was just trying to inspire him with the facts.”
No. No, he wasn’t. He was trying to inflame him.
Passive aggressive comments made under the guise of informing or inspiring, when the real intent is to provoke an adverse reaction, sabotage relationships—regardless if the relationship is between siblings, spouses, coworkers, or teammates.
In the above example, the younger sister’s comments were born of ill-intent. She wasn’t trying to relay helpful information. Everyone in the car already knew they were running late for practice. Her intent was to agitate her sister. She wanted to make her sister angry.
The same is true for the brothers. The older brother wasn’t trying to inspire his younger brother. He wanted to agitate his younger brother by making him jealous.
There are times when teammates need to communicate unpleasant news to inform or inspire. But using passive aggressive, backhanded words that inflame the situation isn’t the way to accomplish this objective.
Good teammates are mindful of the purpose of their words, and their mindfulness is reflected in what they say as well as what they choose not to say.
Before you speak, consider the purpose of your words. Are they intended to inform or inspire? Or are they simply intended to inflame? If the latter is the reason, then forego the delivery.
Relatedly, if you happen to find yourself on the receiving end of inflaming, passive aggressive comments, know that you have the power to extinguish their purpose by being aggressively passive.
Instead of allowing your response to add fuel to an unnecessary fire, remove your reaction from the equation by refusing to engage. Remember, he who angers you owns you.
As always…Good teammates care. Good teammates share. Good teammates listen. Go be a good teammate.
