Seeing their child struggle can be frustrating for parents, especially sports parents. Maybe the child is unhappy with their playing time or their role. Maybe they’re upset with something hurtful their coach said. Or, maybe they’re disappointed with how they’re playing.
It’s important for parents to adopt a good teammate mindset during these moments because the wrong response can have a lasting effect on their child’s mental well-being.
Here are three tips for sports parents dealing with an athlete who’s struggling:
1. Don’t try to solve the problem for them. Instead, lead them to solve their own problem. You can help them do this by asking open ended questions like: Why do you think that is? How do you think you could change that? What do you think would happen if you tried _____?
Sports are a vehicle for teaching life skills. This approach will teach your child important problem-solving skills and empower them with the confidence to handle adversity.
It’s ok to remain on the periphery and use your experience to guide the conversation, but don’t monopolize it. And remember, the best open-ended question is often: What are you learning from this?
2. Don’t disrespect the opinion. A coach’s comments can sting, particularly if they’re delivered with an insensitive tone.
I’m not referring to comments that are illegal, immoral, or otherwise cross a line. I mean comments related to your child’s ability. For instance, the coach tells your child they’re too slow or not good enough to play a certain position.
Whenever your child shares this information with you, don’t disrespect the opinion. Make it clear to your child that the coach is entitled their opinion and reaffirm that what the coach said was exactly that—their opinion.
Neither you nor your child are required to agree with the coach’s opinion. You can dismiss it without being disrespectful. If you react contemptuously, you’ll undermine the coach’s authority and taint the respect your child should be developing for persons in authority.
3. Don’t critique their performance right after the game. This may seem like an opportune time to share your thoughts, but doing so can make the car ride home a traumatizing experience for your child.
Resist the urge to provide feedback about their play or the outcome of the game. Whether they won, lost, played well or poorly, simply tell your child: “I enjoyed watching you and your teammates play.”
Consistently providing this response will keep your child from attaching their worth to the game’s outcome or their statistics. You can convey more in-depth feedback later, once the emotional dust settles and they’re in a less vulnerable state.
(*By the way, the addendum “and your teammates” is crucial to conveying the admiration you have for them being part of a team.)
Speaking of car rides, I had a parent—who happened to also be a respected family therapist—tell me that a looooonnng car ride can be the best therapy for kids who are reluctant to tell their parents what’s bothering them. Just keep patiently driving and they’ll eventually start talking.
And when they do, be a good teammate and listen.
As always…Good teammates care. Good teammates share. Good teammates listen. Go be a good teammate.
